My first trip to China by Neville McGann (Max) Part 1
聽 聽聽 Shenzhen is a magical place. It's very easy to get around. I purchased a metro card, which you top up as you please and simply scan it. It works on all the underground trains and all the buses. I have not waited any longer than 5 minutes for a bus or train. And always on time. Both the buses and underground have voice recordings in English and Chinese telling you the name of each stop. The metro also clearly prints it on digital screens on all trains.
聽 聽 After only 4 days at work I was told that I was on holiday for a week. It's an annual Chinese holiday. Schools, banks etc all close for 7 days. I spent the weekend doing lesson plans and eating at the street stalls. I love the food. My favourite vendor who we named, 'Kenny', has a stand, only 2 minutes walk from the apartment. I have barbecued fish, pork, beef, chicken, chili, French beans, scallions, aubergine (egg plant), along with lots of meat and veg. I eat a lot of meat despite not knowing what most of it is.
聽 聽 He also does barbecued tofu which is gorgeous, I detested it at home but whatever way he does it, I love the flavour and texture. A full meal of meat and veg costs about 鈧�1.75. Very few of the Westerners will eat at the stalls, they sit and drink beer while I eat. Except Joel of course. He is married to an Indonesian woman. Like me, he eats anything and everything. We like to support the locals.
聽 聽 All the taxi mopeds have umbrellas, so if it rains I hop on one. It's always RMB 5; about 70cents. Other friends I have made are Joe,聽 Charlie,聽 Matt and Gemma,聽 Paul, Gavin, Sherrie and Carol. I have also made friends with Mars and Jenny who are Chinese and live on the floor above;聽 Mars owns a gym which I went to with him. It was like the gym in Rocky 1 or Million dollar baby. I loved it. No worrying about germs or spray bottles. No shower facilities either. You just go there in your gym gear, work out, go home and shower. Perfect!! All the lads were doing upper body weights and all the girls were on the treadmills. Over the next academic year I made a lot of new Chinese friends, some worked in restaurants, others night clubs, bars and of course, my colleagues.
聽 聽 I became particularly attached to the Head of the English department, Nancy. She would regularly drive me home after school and we would often have dinner together. She was happily married to an Engineer and they have a lovely daughter whom I taught English to, privately, along with 3 of her friends.
鈥楴i hao鈥�, pronounced Knee how, is 鈥楬ello鈥� in Mandarin. I have got the Westerners saying 鈥淣i hao鈥檚 it going?鈥� much to the annoyance of聽 Sherrie, who keeps correcting us. The mandarin for 'thank you' is 'xie xie and 'thank you very much' is 'xin ku le'. I have my own version which is 'than ku le'.
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聽 聽 One of the craziest people I have met in my life is Sherrie.聽 I met her on my first day at the apartment block .A Chinese lady who had lived in Australia for 10 years. She has a boyfriend and a lover, both of whom live in Beijing. Her insider knowledge and bilingual ability have been of enormous help to me. She has taken me shopping, helped me open a bank account, showed me numerous locations of interest. Two days ago we went to a housing complex near here. The president of China, Xi Jin Ping, has his own holiday complex next door.
聽 聽 She told the security guards that we were married and were looking for a house. Within minutes a salesman showed up. The prices went from RMB 30,000,000.00 to RMB 130,000,000.00. 鈧�4 million to 鈧�18 million. We viewed 5 houses including a 6 storey mansion for 鈧�18 million. Sherrie waffled on to the salesman throughout the hour long tour. I don鈥檛 know what she said but the salesman thanked me afterwards, gave me his card, asked for my number and has since befriended me on We Chat, the Chinese FB.
聽 聽 Next we went to an exclusive driving range where Sherrie told security that I was going to join. It was 鈧�500 up front and then they take 鈧�4 off that every time you get a basket of balls. I didn鈥檛 join. We had Tibetan tea with the manageress who insisted on having her photo taken with me. Next she bluffed our way into a luxury resort which was on a huge lake and only 鈧�100 per night.
However, Sherri is an absolute head case. Below are some of the things she has said to me:
鈥淢y room is a dick free zone. 鈥�
When I told her my toilet was blocked, she said: 鈥淒o a little shit, flush, little shit flush, little paper flush, little paper, flush. Don鈥檛 do a ton of shit altogether.鈥�
鈥淲hen I am horny I use eggplant鈥�
Her advice on dating fellow workers. 鈥淒on鈥檛 mix your rice with your noodles鈥�
鈥淲hen you are in my room you save me money on electricity because your shiny head reflect light鈥�
鈥淒id you shoot your canon last night?鈥�
鈥淚n your life you must have sweet, sour, bitter, salty and spicy鈥�
鈥淒o you teach your students phallics?鈥� (She meant phonics)
鈥淢ax, many Western teachers come to me for help, I do not have enough titties to feed them all鈥�
My boyfriend sang to me: 鈥淚鈥檓 Chinese, down on my knees, ready to please鈥� 鈥� I punch him in face鈥�
鈥淲omen are like clothes, you change them when you like鈥�
鈥淲omen are like chess pieces, you move them where you want鈥�
鈥淚f you behave badly towards your wife or girlfriend you will light the fuse of badness in her and she will explode.鈥�
Yesterday she knocked on my door. I shouted for her to wait a minute as I was brushing my teeth. She roared from the hallway: 鈥淪orry Max are you having a shit?鈥� I let her in and sprayed deodorant under my arms, she lifted up her leg and said, 鈥渟pray here please.鈥�
聽 聽 Shortly after, Sherrie took me to a huge market beside Europe town. Europe town is where you go for anything American or European. I don鈥檛 go there as I like to buy the local produce and food. IKEA is there, and they were selling self assembly reclining leather office chairs for 鈧�100.聽 I bought a similar one locally for 鈧�40 and a member of staff brought me and the chair home in a van,聽 and carried the chair up 5 flights of stairs, and would not take a tip. (Our elevator was not installed until months later)
聽 聽 Tipping is not expected or encouraged. Anyway, I loved the market, it had everything from cooked duck to live pigeon. Whole pigs cut into pieces. Eels, etc. No dogs or cats. There is only once restaurant serving dog that I am aware of and have not seen cat anywhere except as pets.
聽 聽 On the way home I visited a coconut vendor and a sugar cane vendor. For the coconut they cut off the husk, make a whole and put in a straw. It weights about 2kg and I walked along sipping the milk through the straw. The sugar cane goes in one end of a machine and juice comes out the other end into a plastic bottle. It's all attached to an electric bike. The government does not allow petrol bikes anymore, only electric, due to pollution. Nice one!!!!
聽 聽聽 I played badminton with Dane (Yank),聽 Joel (Canadian) and Clark (local teacher). The majority of Chinese have a Chinese name and an English name.聽 Sherrie, Betty, Fiona etc. I had not played badminton in 10 years but it was great fun. I lost about a pint of fluid through my pores. Last night I met up with Paul, a Salthill (Galway) head who used to drink in PJ鈥檚 in Salthill. Gas man, Gave up the drink; now he spends his time 鈥渄ating鈥�.
聽 聽 Shortly after arriving, my boss asked me to meet and greet a new Yank, Mark. What a cool dude! He has acted with Charlie Sheen, Will Smith and several others. He also knows the 鈥淓ntourage cast鈥� and even some of the original friends of Mark Walberg, who the series is about. He has the new Entourage movie which I am going to watch tonight. He is a couple of聽 years younger than me and has a similar track record.
聽 聽 Mark is about 6 feet 4 and 18 stone. We went out聽 for a beer聽 and were being stared at by the locals. I reckon they were thinking, 鈥淲ow they come in different shapes and sizes. Lovely friendly guy. We planned on going to Thailand for a weekend to see some of his lady friends. 鈧�160 return from an airport which is only ten minutes away, plus we stay with his friends.
聽 聽聽 He has really travelled. He earned $40k聽 in 7 months teaching English in Saudi and then spent the following year touring Asia . This was his first job since Saudi. He is planning to open a Mark Walberg burger joint. He knows Mark Walberg and the two brothers who is in partnership with. Unfortunately he did not settle in Shenzhen and is back in Saudi. It is not everyone's cup of tea
